I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
