My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
