Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
