People in love make me want to vomit
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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