you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
