just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
