I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
