somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
