Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
