She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
