On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
