I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
