He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
