I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
