My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
