I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Houston, we have a blender
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
