There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
