You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
