i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
