My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
