I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
