im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
