this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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