I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
