If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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