she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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