you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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