I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
