I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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