The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
