I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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