Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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