After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
