I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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