"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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