I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
