dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
