how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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