I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
