I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i think i have two assholes
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
