I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
