Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
