Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
