So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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