Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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