Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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