evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
