Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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