Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
