I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
