I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
